I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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