An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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