i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
