Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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