hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
