How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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