I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
