i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
