is your mom at the bar?
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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