Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
