tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
