I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
