The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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