He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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