6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
