dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
