I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
