Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
