Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
