I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
