just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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