you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
