Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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