im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
