it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
