thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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