I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
