my room smells like sperm. sweet.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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