I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
