I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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