I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Randomize
