Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
