Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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