I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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