Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
