party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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