I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
