watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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