One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
FUCK WHALES
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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