She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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