I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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