There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
