I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
