Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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