Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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