Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
