I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
