his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
They have beer where we have blood.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
