This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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