My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
